well...it has happened...
school has started for the kennedy clan...& for the first time ever, i will be all by my lonesome 2 days a week for 2 hours...& let me tell you....i'm actually pretty surprised by my reaction to it (& it doesn't even really start till next week when tater starts on tuesday! lol)
i always thought i'd be totally fine w/ them going off & on their way...growing up & out from under my feet...i figured i would wave, smile at that departing school bus & then maybe go for a run, enjoying the cool fall mornings...i could maybe actually drink a cup of coffee...sit & read...maybe create some stuff i've always wanted to try...cook dinner on a regular basis...maybe be like one of those women on the cleaning product commercials with a spotless house, sitting waiting for the next spot of dust to fall..
but dude...i'm totally lost w/o the chaos...
what the heck????
i think the whole thing came crashing down for me on tuesday at Kindegarten orientation when we were walking to meet ry's new teacher & i reached down for him to take my hand & he looked up & said..."i don't need to hold your hand"
it didn't hit me until midnight that night..."he didn't want to hold my hand...he didn't want to hold my hand??? IS IT OVER??? WILL HE NEVER HOLD MY HAND ANYMORE????" (this was followed by lots of sobbing & tears & all sorts of meladramatics)...let me tell you...mike is having a chuckle at my expense...assuring me: "he isn't moving out & getting an apartment tomorrow gi! he was just being a big boy going to his classroom...THAT IS A GOOD THING! that means you've done a good job! he'll hold your hand again...you women are crazy! go to sleep!"
& it is true...i'm a nut...i fully admit to this...
i remember when the kids were little, people always used to come up to me at the market, in the mall, target,
wherever & see me w/ the 3 little crazies & go "oh! don't YOU
have your hands full!" & i would always say "better full than
empty!" & give them a big grin...inside totally angered &
defensive that what i perceived as such a blessing & such wonderful
part of my life, my 3 crazy & close together children, were being
perceived as some kind of burden...something that a stranger would have
to come up to me & kinda be all "oh you poor thing"...that used to
piss me off...it wasn't like i was slurping down scotch in the cereal aisle or anything you know? i mean come on...
but yes...my kids do drive me insane at times...this is indeed true...lol...so why the heck am i all freaking out that they will be off & occupied & having fun? they come back all brimming with smiles, so proud of themselves, learning new things, taking on new challenges...i'm bursting at the seems, proud of them...but it just seems as tho it is all going so fast sometimes & i'm just not ready or i start to kick myself b/c i didn't get to drink up enough of the crazy wonderfulness that, yes, it is exhausting & frustrating & unbelievably so much more difficult than i ever imagined it, but darnit, it has been the most amazing part of my life thus far...life changing...life transforming in so many ways...& times like these make me feel that part of it has vanished before my very eyes & i don't remember it enough...parts are missing...i didn't take enough pictures, didn't write down enough...UGH! like i said, i could just kick myself...
it is just slipping through my fingers all the time...
but i know...this too shall pass...i mean really, talk to me at the end of next week after i've had those 2 mornings child free & maybe i will have accomplished something & enjoyed my time, i'll probably be cracking up at this post...lol
but in the meantime...i'm trying to drink up every.single.second.....
enjoy
enjoy
enjoy....
happy thursday to you too :)
xoxoxoo
gi
p.s...& btw...ryan DID indeed hold my hand again...yesterday while we were in the market parking lot...& you know i tried to memorize in my head the exact feeling of his little hand in mine...i hope i still get lots more times still :)
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